When Your Heart Goes Numb

I scare myself sometimes. I don’t want to be hurt anymore so I put up a barrier that will protect my heart.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to be able to love wholeheartedly, but what do you do when both of you are afraid?  How do you allow yourself to truly feel love?  How can you tell yourself that it is okay to try again and give someone a chance at loving you? One deceit or lie can ruin it for me. And if the guy doesn’t keep it 100% from the beginning, then I will be very protective of my heart.  I worked too hard to get to where I am now personally; especially at loving myself to the core!!!

I went hard at loving me again!!! When I tell you that I love me some me, I mean it!!! I love my flat ass and all.  Things that used to bother me doesn’t anymore.  I do what the hell I want to do; when I want to do it.  But do I really want a lifetime partner?  The answer is… yes I do.  I wasn’t meant to be on this Earth alone.  I am a natural nurturer at heart.  I want to share my love with someone that is willing to be open with me as well.  But, I am frightened that my heart won’t allow me to get too close or feel love the way it supposed to feel.  I am afraid that my heart won’t allow any pain from disappointment, even if I give someone a chance.  I mean there is a possibility of getting hurt right?  The sad truth is that I don’t think I will even feel it if it happens.  Do you understand where I am coming from?

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See, when you get into a relationship, you want to trust that person more than anything.  You want to be able to trust that person with your secrets and your heart.  You want to be able to know that they would not deceive you for any reason because the both of you worked towards building open communication and friendship.  That is necessary when two people are looking forward to having a future with one another.  You don’t want to be blindsided by indecisiveness and false hopes.  That is what my heart is afraid of; therefore it protects itself from this while enjoying the moments shared between the two of us.  Is that being selfish or selfless?  That is the question my numb heart battles with. Who will actually put a smile on my heart and keep it there?

I don’t ask for much so please understand me when I say that in order for the both of us to get past the hurt and disappointments that we have experienced; we must first heal our heart so we can feel how great love can be.  The key word is the BOTH of us.  I have to be able to connect with someone that is willing to go through this thing call love together. I have to have a mate that is willing to sacrifice his ego and allow his true feelings to show.  He has to be able to understand that it ain’t considered being “whipped” or “thirsty” by showing me how a real man is supposed to treat and respect a woman.  I need him to be patient and kind to my heart as well.  My heart definitely needs special attention, and I need him to recognize this.  Don’t be afraid to be transparent with me because my heart will appreciate it.  All I ask is for someone to be willing to give my heart something worthwhile to feel so it can no longer be deprived of what true love actually feels like.  Is that possible?

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