Throughout relationships, you may find yourself in a thing or two that changes the magnitude of how you view commitment. It’s the thing that so many hate to discuss because either they have participated in it or unknowingly involved another into the madness. There are some that cringe hearing this topic but don’t even know they are playing in the same field with everyone else unknowingly. It is most likely you are either “in love” with two people and can’t leave neither one of them alone, or you are the victim who doesn’t have a clue. You have vowed to yourself that you wouldn’t do this to him/her. Some of you are even married for crying out loud!!! You’ve even used scriptures and testimonies to validate your behavior. But is it really fair for the other who only wants you and not be number two?
Here are just a few questions you need to ask yourself honestly before you take it any further:
- Do you really know what “in love” means?
- Do you know the difference between lust and love?
- Is it that you love what you get out of the person instead of the person as a whole?
- Is it worth breaking up a marriage? If so, can you wait until it is final before you go any further?
- Is it strictly about sex or is it about how this person makes you feel within your soul?
- Is it just an attraction you feel for someone who is solely physical?
- How do you feel when this person isn’t around?
- Are you trying to fit into the “open-relationship” era and shy away from monogamy?
- Is this something new and refreshing to you that maybe you can intertwine within your first love interest?
- Are you using this person to satisfy something you are missing in the other relationship?
- Is it a materialistic or status thing that brings you to this indecisiveness?
- Did your first love give you the cold shoulder and now he/she wants to come back to you?
- Can you see yourself with this person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE??!!!
I personally don’t believe that you can be in love with two people because I’ve never experienced it before, but there are some relationship experts that seem to disagree. According to McCombs and Bradbury, they believe love is subjective and exclusive to the person who is feeling it. Otherwords, love is whatever the individual believes it to be; therefore you cannot challenge how they view or think love is no matter what the “Good Book” or “society” says it should be. Remember our society has become open to so many things now that no wonder our morals and ethical compass has shifted. Plus we are all human by nature so things happen. But it all comes down to your actions after you have these feelings.
How it all starts
Scenario 1: You are in a relationship/marriage with someone who you love with all your heart. Until someone comes across your path that is so mesmerizing that you can’t shake them. It all starts out as a friendship. You both begin to talk about things of substance and interest without a care in the world. He/she makes you comfortable enough that you share personal things with each other that you may or may not have shared with your current partner. You find yourself doing things that your current partner isn’t really up for (so you think) such as lunch at the park, race car driving, or sporting events. Here is where it gets tricky and sometimes dangerous. The decision you have already made to take things a little further.
You tell yourself, “I am just going to ride this one out. It isn’t going to hurt anyone, because I just need to scratch this itch.”. But guess what, the other person is fantastic. A matter of fact, he/she understands you!!! This person finally accepts you with all your flaws!! You don’t have to walk on eggshells any longer. The two of you have built a relationship for months now that has grown so strong. You have already crossed the line with having sex with this amazing person. The passion you have for this person is like no other. When your other love makes love to you; it is electrifying. You can’t get enough from him/her. You feel each other’s soul connection. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!! What have you done?
Scenario 2: You were in love with someone but they decided that they weren’t ready for a relationship with you. They have a career, children, and so many things going on that they aren’t focusing on you. They aren’t giving you the attention you so desperately seeking and it seems that other things are taking precedence over you. You two decided to take some time or break it off altogether. You run into someone who has the same kindred spirit you have. You were already pretty cool with each other because you’ve been around each other’s company for years. You start to hang out more and more on a personal level and things begin to flourish. You enjoy each other’s company and he/she has assisted you with getting over your first love for the moment. A matter of fact, he/she has been your friend for quite some time now but you haven’t given them a second thought until today. You and him/her cross the line and finally have sex. It was amazing!!! Not only did you have sex; but this person has so much in common with you. You feel at ease and at peace with this person. You are asking yourself, “what the hell was I thinking putting him/her in the friend zone all this time”?
You are having the time of your life. So much so that your ex-lover is not liking the fact that you haven’t been hitting him/her up like you used to. A matter of fact, he/she wants some sex and a date from you because after all, “You will always love him/her”. You get the calls and attention you so desperately wanted from them in the first place. You and your ex-lover began to talk out things and it seems they love you and miss you. You begin to juggle the two because now you don’t know what to do. You can’t tell the other the truth because you really aren’t in a relationship after all. A matter of fact, you are single but the other has no clue about these charades you are playing. You don’t want to hurt either one of them but damn,“I like them both, and they both trust me”!!
How it can all end
First of all, I would gladly state that true love is based on your first decision to not walk into the light. I believe that when you choose not to entertain temptation; that is the truest form of love there is. But that isn’t what happened so we have to start here with how to pick one and end it all hahaha!!! I know we are all human and we will make mistakes in life. Okay, back to what I was saying. If you want to end this stressful; yet mind-boggling affair you must do these things to at least get some type of clarity and closure.
- You have to be honest with yourself and who you are as a person. You need to ask yourself what are you losing/gaining if you continue this pattern. Is it truly lust? Remember you can fuck around and make a bad decision based on lust!!! Keep it 100% with yourself. If this means you have to make a list on paper; then do it!!
- Put your feelings first!!! You have to understand that you have to be happy at the end of the day. You should choose the one that makes you complete and happy. So what you may hurt his/her feelings by leaving but your happiness comes first. It’s part of life. If you have to talk to your close friends and family concerning this; do so. Sometimes your best friends and family see things you don’t. Now if momma love Sally because she has her grandson and that’s it; then that isn’t a reason to stay. This goes to the next question.
- You need to also ask yourself are you really in love with two or are you just committed to one because of the time invested and truly love the other? Sometimes people find themselves holding on to time instead of love. Having love for someone and being in love with someone are two different things. Sometimes people hold on to relationships because kids, family, or material things are involved and they don’t want to lose it. But is it really worth it at the end?
- Would the two of them be down for sharing? If you got it like that; then, by all means, go ahead and participate!! There isn’t any reason to lie or play games. You all are winners in this relationship. No more hiding this open relationship. Do you boo-boo!! But if that isn’t going to fly with either one of them then……
- You have to let one of them go in order to allow them to be with someone who compliments them and who they are. You have to realize that you are being selfish if you hold on to both of them unconsciously or on purpose.
- You have to be honest about what it is you were looking for that was missing from your relationship. You need to understand what it is the second person was giving you that the current one wasn’t. Both men/women aren’t the same. You have to understand what it is you want to freely experience and express in a relationship that isn’t considered a no-no to the other. You have to be selfish in the aspect. Who do you feel more comfortable and happy with?
- You then need to ask yourself can you openly and honestly have this discussion with your current relationship and mend whatever it is you were missing and spice up the relationship for the both of you. It can be sex, communication, emotional and mental stimulation, or participating in things that are of interest to you. If you cannot be open and honest with the one you love; that’s a problem in itself. Don’t think that if you continue on with this that things will just fall into place because it won’t. You can lose both men/women and be unhappy.
Ultimately when you choose the one you know you’re supposed to be with; you choose to love. When you decide to end one relationship in order to give the other your whole heart that deserves it; you choose to love. When you decide not to betray that person any longer; you will always choose love. Love will conquer all. If you had the opportunity to love two people; choose one and give them all of you for once in your life. Trust me it is a beautiful thing if you just cut the ties and put everything you have into this wonderful thing call monogamy.