Real Talk with Anele- Relationship
I had the pleasure of viewing a wonderful South African talk show discussing relationships (Click on the link above)!!! A young man by the name of Kofi (handsome young man by the way) and the other guest (sorry he caught my eye) spoke about the cycle of karmic relationships. It made me reflect back to the relationship failures that I have had throughout my life. I realized that some of my issues with men also stem from my childhood relationship with my father and mother. We all subconsciously and consciously draw people who may have some of our traits and /or our parents’ traits.
My father was the head of the household and he stop showing me affection after the age of 10. My dad stop telling me that he loved me, hugging me, and giving me kisses after the age of ten. I didn’t know he was proud of me until I reached adulthood. The same goes for my mother. She wasn’t affectionate towards me at all until I became an adult. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough or was the bad seed in the family. Because my mother was jealous of my dad and I relationship; his affection diminished within time and my mom was “Mother Dearest”! At that time, my grandmother was my favorite person in my life because she understood me and gave me hugs and kisses every since I was a little girl. My grandmother’s house is where I found myself staying because of the tension. Because I wasn’t happy with who I was as a person, I always chose broken people with similar storylines. I can even admit that when I dealt with my daughter’s father, I knew he wasn’t going to be a happily ever after. I knew that he didn’t know how to love because he had mother issues and never had a father in his life (he was adopted by a single woman; therefore he always felt abandoned). I wanted to show him that I can fix his issues and I can be that woman to hold him down. I always went all out to be the “fixer” in all my relationships and help the men in my life become better no matter what it cost me. Speaking with my parents as an adult, they had similar accounts of relationship issues throughout their lives. Realizing that I didn’t get the attention and affection I needed as a child; I went out and gave attention and affection to men in hopes of getting it back in return even when they didn’t display it from the beginning. I was looking for what I was missing as a child in my adulthood. I went through trials and errors in order to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable.
But the biggest question is…. what have I shown my own children concerning relationships? I’ve screwed up!!! My daughter was raised fatherless. She longed for a relationship with him, and she never got it. My son is a product of a marriage that ended in divorce. He longs to have his dad in the household or around more than ever. Because of my poor decision, I have repeated a cycle we are all too familiar with. I haven’t illustrated not one healthy relationship. I realized that I have continued the cycle of broken and unhealthy relationships due to my very own poor judgment and acceptance. It took me to learn to love me more and get comfortable in the skin that I am in. I also realized that I am also responsible for teaching my son how to treat women (along with his father) and my daughter how to be treated by a man (if it isn’t too late because she is now an adult).
Here’s the straight talk to the women:
As long as we as women continue to accept the bad behavior, cheating, the story that “men are sowing their wild oats”, or participate in the “side-chick/adulterer” scenarios; we will never teach our young men how to treat and respect us. If you do not want a relationship just based on sex; then you should not engage in it. If a man tells you he has someone, married, or doesn’t want a relationship and you do; stop thinking you are going to change the situation or his mind. You won’t. You will eventually want your OWN relationship without sharing. Stop accepting low expectations because you are alone. Let us love ourselves enough to do better. Learn to love you more. Don’t try to fix men burdens or situations because that is not your duty. If you have boundaries and/or standards, then wait for that one who deserves your time. It’s okay to be alone and happy than being with someone feeling alone. It’s time to stop the cycle and be true to what you want. I know we can’t all fix the damage that has been done concerning our children or past, but we can start somewhere and someday. Don’t let society dictate that this behavior is acceptable. All men do not cheat. There is such a thing as monogamy.
Here’s the straight talk to the men:
If you continue to play games with women just to get an ego stroke or a high-five from the fellas of how many women you have either broken, lied to, cheated on, had sex with, impregnated, or just taken away her dignity; you will reap what you sow. The day when you finally realized that you are getting older, thinner, fatter, balder, impotent, or just plain lonely; you will NEED a partner by your side. You may be left with the “leftovers” that you can only “settle” with because you will not find a woman who hasn’t had any baggage. You will never experience true love and happiness because you haven’t loved yourself or your children enough to show them how to treat your partner or be treated. Your children will follow or go thru the same cycle of mistreatment from others because you have illustrated that women aren’t valued or only good for sex and games. Until you take ownership of your part in this vicious cycle and get help, you will not discontinue the karmic relationships. As Mr. Kofi stated, it is time to GROW UP!!! Be the men you are supposed to be. If you aren’t sure how to be a man; seek guidance/assistance from counseling and positive male mentors in your area. You have been programmed to behave in this cycle by society.
YOU NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT. KARMA ALWAYS WIN.
Sage advice. So true, especially about karma ALWAYS winning.
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Thanks!!! You know our deep conversations brought this topic along!!!