When I decided to dip my toes back into the dating pool, I knew I was looking for something different. I was done with the drama, the uncertainty, and the constant worry that I was going to get hurt physically again.

I wanted a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual support. Because I worked so long to create a safe space for myself, my criteria were based on good character. I needed to know without a shadow of a doubt that his actions or behavior would never intentionally harm or put me in danger, EVER! I wanted to feel protected and respected as the woman that I am. Do I know there isn’t such a thing as perfection? Of course, but I have to feel safe in your presence regardless of whether there is danger outside the door.

Non-Negotiable Standards

I had a clear vision of the partner I wanted.

• Empathy: THIS WAS NUMBER ONE IN MY DATING REQUIREMENTS!! I finally figured out that to be successful in this dating game, I had to align with another empath. I wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to become vulnerable or deeply connected. Someone who naturally shares instead of being entitled. Someone truly capable of caring for others instead of pretending to care.
• Financial Independence: I wanted someone stable and capable of caring for themselves. It wasn’t about possessions, but about a sense of balance and shared responsibility. I yearned for a partner who would contribute positively to our relationship, rather than just take from it. I wanted someone with whom I could build a life together, not someone I would have to build up or take care of financially like a dependent.
• Had His Own Shit!: Sorry, but not sorry, I did not want to deal with anyone else who didn’t have their own place and car! I was done taking care of grown men who had excuses for why they didn’t have their shit together. I needed someone who understood what it truly means to maintain living quarters.
• Strong Character: I sought a partner with strong moral values, integrity, and honesty. I didn’t want to question if this person would intentionally hurt me. I damn sure didn’t want anyone else who would use my trust, empathy, or vulnerability against me. I’ve witnessed too many people hiding behind religion to mask their evil ways. Their character is still their reputation. It doesn’t disappear.
• Emotional Maturity: I wanted someone who could communicate effectively, handle conflict maturely, and support me emotionally. I didn’t want to accept any more mentally immature men who suffered from dangerous temper tantrums for no apparent reason. I ain’t got time to worry about if you’re about to mentally, physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse me. I refuse to be an enabler of bad behavior and emotions again.
• Mutual Respect: A foundation of respect is so important to me. I wanted a partner who wasn’t scared to reciprocate kindness. I wanted someone open to accepting our differences and unique experiences.
• Genuinely Treated Others With Kindness: I wanted someone who treated others with kindness. I learned through my years that if I observed or heard about any disrespectful behavior towards others, you would do the same to me. It ain’t always about cheating, but your overall reputation of how you have treated people in the past, regardless of who they are.
• Family: If my family approved, I knew I picked a winner. It is very seldom that your parents and children are wrong about the vibes they feel. It took me ages to figure that out, but I have to give it to the family– they have been spot on thus far.
• My intuition and gut feeling: If I didn’t get a nudge inside my spirit that something isn’t quite right, then I gave it a chance to blossom. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. I listened to my intuition this time. I wasn’t going to take chances with someone who could potentially be a science project for the rest of my life.

Feeling safe and secure in a relationship is paramount. I don’t care what anyone else say!! I wanted to get a good night’s rest and go places without looking over my damn shoulders! I wanted a partner who would:

• Prioritize Honesty: Building trust meant being completely open and honest, so I sought someone who would welcome my transparency. It becomes a time in your life when you cannot just focus on yourself. I wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to tell me from the beginning their true intentions. Upfront communication was key for me. Even when there are changes along the way, tell me the truth.
• Respect Boundaries: I needed someone who didn’t have issues with boundaries. I had to get a clear understanding of their values. Different strokes for different folks. Whatever boundaries you need to establish for yourself, create them and don’t feel guilty about them.
• Offer Emotional Support: A partner who is genuinely emotionally available and supportive can make all the difference. I wanted someone who didn’t mind being vulnerable. I needed to know that this person authentically possessed caring and loving attributes. Not just talking the talk, but walking the walk.
• Take Accountability: Someone who can own their actions, decisions, and their consequences, both positive and negative, without making excuses or blaming others. A partner who acknowledges mistakes, apologizes, and proactively works to correct errors. If you can’t say exactly what you did without blaming another person, then I can’t fuck with you.
• Protect me: I was looking for a partner who would provide a safe environment and space where I didn’t have to be on edge. A partner I know that if it came down to it, we’re rolling together like Michelle and Obama!
• Be Consistent: I wanted someone who didn’t turn on and off. I was looking for the person who showed up every time like Jill Scott and Robert Glasper’s song, “Call”. We can have disagreements, and we continue to show each other love EVERY TIME! Someone who can consistently handle the good and the bad times without wavering from the ultimate goal of becoming partners in this thing called life.

Will you or your partner cross boundaries, lie to each other, or unintentionally make a mistake? Absolutely. We are not perfect creatures. I am going to tell my husband sometimes that I love the dinner he cooked for me, even if it needed a little more flavor. And he will tell me I look beautiful when I am sick. He is going to accidentally break something I really love. Shit happens. He’s not going to agree with everything I do; vice versa. Being intentional in loving, respecting, and supporting each other with your whole heart is the safest place anyone could ever be.