Nothing hurts my heart more than seeing someone being hurt by others. It hit me when I ran into one of my favorite students. She lost her husband and others within a short period of time. She had tried to commit suicide years ago because of the stress brought on by the adults that honestly knew how their son behaved and treated people. The parents and family blame her for the actions he chose. I wondered if it ever occurs to them why their sons behaved in the manner (that they have always illustrated from a teenager to a young adult). Did she make bad choices in men? Absolutely!!! We all do. I know her heart and character. She had always fought to prove to her children’s dad’s family she was a good mother and person. I couldn’t understand this at all. As a mother that chose the same type of men within their lifetime, would you want someone to question your parenting? For years, I have watched her twenty-something soul being snatched away from her by adults my age. They made the same mistakes and choices she has in their lifetime. I fear for her sanity and strength because she has no one she can lean on at this time. All she has right now are stones thrown at her from all angles. I fear that this beautiful soul will turn to hard drugs and suicide. She doesn’t even look like the same person I’ve known for years. She is already dead inside. At the same time, I know the stone throwers that use bible verses and God will overlook the hypocritical actions they have displayed behind closed doors.
Sometimes a strong person needs air to breathe. Strong people are taught to hold back their emotions and deal with the hands that are dealt with them. I don’t agree with that thought process. Why can’t you scream, cry, yell, and curse? Sometimes, don’t you want to say fuck it all? Get in your car and ride off into the sunset and go wherever your heart desires? Hell, the only reason I haven’t left the state is because of my children and parents. Mental health issues have become a rampant issue for so many people. When you hold in your real emotions instead of feeling and processing your truth, it damages a person’s heart, mind, and soul. Telling our children to “man up” or “crying is for punks/pussies” doesn’t make anyone strong!!! Instead, it creates anger and a lack of empathy for others. When you can’t express your feelings, you can turn to substances that will numb you temporarily. The most damaging statement that has been a generational curse for all walks of life is, “Pray on it; God got it. Don’t let man control how you feel. God has control”. No!!! You must seek help to maintain your sanity. Professional help is not a curse or an evil spirit. Seeking counseling or a doctor is necessary in most cases.
For me to cope with the guilt I felt for making mistakes, I used to drown myself in work and hanging out. Whether it was school, home, friends, or the yard, I made sure to stay busy. I started this blog because I felt the need to clear my name and the bad reputation created by my ex narcissist (and my counselor suggested it). I wanted everyone to know that none of that bullshit happened or was true. I had stones thrown at me from all angles. I did not do anything to him to make him behave in the manner he did. When things came back to me from people that used to fuck with me, my first defense mechanism was to show receipts and prove the truth. From the police report, emails, pictures, and texts. Yes, I did all of that to show people what he said wasn’t true because I was already a broken soul at this point. I also was determined in trying to get people to see me for who I am and stop throwing stones by stating, “but that is not me!!! I would never do something like that!! That never happened!!! That is all lies and fabricated by him!!!”. Some people finally realized the truth; some were still team narcissists. Hell, some people already knew how he was hahaha!!! The point was, I was so adamant to clear my name and return to how I used to be with people; that I forgot about what mattered. To walk around with a sign stuck on your back you never knew existed until someone enlightens you; breaks you down mentally. It is not until I realized years later, NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS!!! The only thing that matters is YOUR TRUTH and HOW YOU MAKE IT OUT OF THE STORM!!! People that have a pleasant spirit are easy for me to decipher now. I don’t care about what others think about me like I used to. I don’t worry about if someone is still my friend or associate. I know my heart and spirit. I picked up the stones that were thrown at me and built a wall for protection.
We have to remember that we will all make decisions or choices that can change our life drastically. If your heart and spirit are pure and kind, learn from the crazy and unpleasant lessons learned. Please don’t beat yourself up because you wanted to see the good in people (that you knew deep down wasn’t for your soul), change people to fit into the ideology of what you perceive that person to be, or show them a better way to be in life. It doesn’t warrant a lifetime of punishment. Forgive yourself. Remember, you don’t have to be a warrior forever!!! You will do crazy things in your life. Hell, even the people who say what they would never do have some flaws or demons in their closet too.
For the people who constantly throw stones or have an ill-will spirit ask yourself these questions:
- Have you made mistakes in your past that you wish you could erase?
- Have you made similar mistakes/choices in your lifetime that you are condemning others for?
- Have you truly changed your life for the better and no longer consider yourself that “bully” you were back in the day?
- Does it make you feel better hurting or blaming someone for things that you know you could not endure?
- Have you ever loved someone that you knew wasn’t good for you, but you gave them a chance anyway?
- Have you ever been down and out?
- How would you feel if you had no one to talk to when you are feeling lost and considering suicide?
- Are you a person that someone could actually come to if they feel helpless, lost, or about to have a breakdown?
- For my religious people, “What would your God say about the way you are behaving/treating someone?”
Before you decide to hurt someone by your actions or words, think about what that person is going through. You never know the burdens and responsibilities they have to deal with daily. You never know who is constantly downing them, abusing them mentally, physically, or verbally. You never know if you are just another bully that person has to deal with throughout their lifetime. Lastly, reflect on your teenage years, the twenties, and the thirties when you made horrible choices and decisions in life that you have to face the consequences. Believe it or not, the karma that you are paying for now is the consequences that are occurring within your very own children, spouse, friends, or livelihood. Take a look at those secrets that you hope or think no one else knows that you did that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just put yourself in someone else’s shoes and ask yourself, “If all of my bad choices and decisions were expose to the world, could I survive? Would I be able to hold my head up high knowing what I did in my past caused someone pain?” How strong would you be? Go ahead and drop those stones you were about to throw.