Marriage Isn’t a Game; Marriage Is…

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I’ve been married before and I can say that at the time, I got married for the wrong reasons.  One reason was I was tired of being the single girl in the group.  Another reason was I was so broken and hurt from the last relationship that I went ahead and called my ex-husband’s bluff. He talked all that shit about marrying me; that I shocked the hell out of him when I said let’s do it. Sounds ridiculous and stupid, but hey it’s the truth.  I knew my ex-husband wasn’t my type and was full of shit (he can talk a turtle out of their shell hahaha!!!), but he was funny as hell!!! His sense of humor was hilarious like mine, and we always had fun when we hung out.  But other than that; we didn’t have much in common.  Hell, I was going to call the wedding off two weeks before the marriage, but people/family talked me out of it.  I even had cold feet when the music came on to walk down the aisle.  My dad had to go to the bathroom with me while my bridesmaids were walking down the aisle because my bladder started to act up because of nerves hahaha!!!

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We had two different views on how to show someone you love them. He was about gifts and monetary things, and I was about time and affection. We didn’t even know what was each other’s favorite color for crying out loud!!! Even though we had both parents in the home, we were raised differently.  He was a spoiled brat (he will tell anyone that haha), and I was taught to work for what you want. He would tell you I was a tightwad and had too much pride to accept gifts from him or his family.  I would tell you I was trying to groom him into what I wanted him to be for me.

We married on July 16, 2005, not even a full two years of actually dating and my bestie’s birthday!!! Guess what, I put his ass out several times before 2006 hahaha!!! I was getting on his last nerves trying to change him from who he really was, and I was nagging him into the streets!!!  I wanted him to be the husband I thought he should be. I didn’t take into consideration that he wasn’t ready to be a husband; let alone a provider because I didn’t care about what he wanted. Should I be mad at him? Hell NO!!! But at the time I was furious!! Marriage wasn’t what it cracked up to be. He was never home because he wasn’t ready to get married anyway, and I was at home because I was unhappy with myself.

We separated at least three times before the final separation became long-term. I can honestly say we never enjoyed our marriage a full year out of the twelve years we were married. Hell, we were apart more than actually being married hahaha!!! It was amazing to learn when I started to finally go out solo or with my friends that many didn’t even know I was his wife.  I would continue to wear my wedding ring, but it was a shocker to many when they found out we were husband and wife hahaha!!! That’s when it hit me more than ever that I really fucked up.  No matter what I said or did; I could not make him be the man I wanted in my life.  I could not be the woman he wanted me to be either. We never could communicate with each other without either arguing or dismissing each other’s feelings. To be honest, we never communicated at all about anything important, crucial, or of substance that would benefit a friendship amongst the two of us.

I soon realized that I can’t point the finger at him for being who he is/was. I chose him at the time to fill a void in my life. I knew the consequences of my actions; therefore he didn’t ask for me to come into his life and change his routine. I understood that because I made this choice to get into something so sacred and beautiful just to say I have a husband was all wrong.  I knew that there was going to be a price to pay because I had participated in something that was supposed to be a bond between two people who truly love one another so much; that we were willing to communicate openly and honestly and work thru this. Neither one of us were ready to tell the other the truth about how we felt about the marriage until AFTER we got divorced. And even then, he didn’t know we were divorce until after he got his first home last year hahaha!!! (That’s another topic)

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My ex-husband and I became friends after the abusive relationship I was in three years ago.  Even though we went thru hell and thought we would never get along; he was the one who I had to lean on when times got rough.  He was still family at the end of the day. I was the mother of his child and his ex-wife. He actually saw the bruises and bite marks that I was lying about in order to avoid the “I told you so speech”. This was the first time we ever talked about things of substance because he was concerned for my safety and well-being. I learned more about how he felt and vice versa. We were honest about things that we wouldn’t dare be honest about because of fear of hurting each other.  It was from that point, we both learned what marriage was supposed to be about and realized it isn’t a game; but actually a beautiful union between friends.  We realized marriage isn’t a bad thing after all. We just were not for each other.

  1. Marriage is the foundation between two people who aren’t afraid to build together, support each other until death. You both have the same views/feelings about expectations within the marriage. 

  2. Marriage is with your best friend who brings the best out of you no matter what. It’s your spiritual soulmate.

  3. Marriage isn’t superficial. It’s not about looks and material things.

  4. Marriage isn’t abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially.

  5. Marriage is selflessness. You thrive to make your spouse happy because it makes you happy.

  6. Marriage is being able to be your true self without judgment, but concern for your spouse.

  7. Marriage is about accepting each other at their worst, sickness, and health. You still love each other regardless of the morning breath, loss of limbs, gained weight, impotency, and hair loss.

  8. Marriage is when you can’t wait to get home to tell your spouse the good news you received or the bad news you want to be the first to tell. 

  9. Marriage is laughter and sadness that is shared amongst each other that no one else can feel.  You can show your vulnerability to each other no matter what.

  10. Marriage is disagreements from time to time, but you wouldn’t want it to be with no one else but him/her. 

  11. Marriage is about having the most amazing and intimate encounters that aren’t only sexual, but mental and emotional as well.

  12. Marriage is about never wanting to be without the other no matter what happens.

  13. Marriage is a promise to one another that no matter what; you will always have each other’s back if necessary.

  14. Marriage is working thru hard times that may occur and rebuild the family back.

  15. Marriage doesn’t involve your family and friends input, but each other.

  16. Marriage is trust. 

Would I do it again? Absolutely, but I will do it right next time.

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