As I hit my mid-forties, I have come to realize what I want in a man. Hey, I have had the opportunity through growing pains to experience both good and bad men. And I can tell you it ain’t all about looks anymore with me honey!!! Don’t get me wrong, you have to possess something attractive to you (not just looks). See when I was younger, I didn’t appreciate the good guys. I wanted to test the waters and mess with the dude I had to “fix” or “help”. I wasn’t attracted to good men because I wasn’t happy with myself. I was lost and looking for someone to grow with my unstable ass. I took for granted the good men that were already hard workers, nurturer, and supporters just as I was. I guess you can say I was just as immature as the “fixers” I dated. I didn’t want the gentleman. I didn’t want the man who adored his family. I didn’t care to partake in a relationship with the guy who had old-fashion values such as courting and supporting his woman or respecting his household. Naw, I wasn’t ready.
All it takes is for you to get burned in order for you to learn lessons. That’s why I appreciate all the life lessons, good and bad. Without them, I would not have become the woman I am today. You see having your shit together isn’t just about having your own home, car, and career. It is about having your integrity, character, and mental intact. I thought I had it all together in my 20’s because I got my first home, car, and started a career as an educator all while being a single mother. I thought I was the shit!! I was still a mess inside. I always had the caring and giving heart, but I did not have the gift of humbleness that I do now. I was always on the defensive when it came to some of the things I knew I was actually doing wrong. I had this big issue to prove to the world that they were all wrong about where I was going to be ten years from now.
Now it is all about my purpose in life. What do I suppose to do for others? How can I give back to the community and/or people who need me? I used to think that teaching was just temporary, and I would eventually stop doing it. But maybe just maybe this is my purpose to continue being a role model to the teenagers/young adults I have accustomed myself to love. Maybe I am supposed to be the voice that they need. I also learned from my own children that sometimes I have to be there for them even if I think they are grown ups. I look at my daughter at the age of 24 and realize she is me!!! I was lost too when I was her age; so why do I expect her to be such a fabulous adult? I had to change some of the views/opinions I had in order to understand my purpose in her life. That purpose is to be there for her when she falls, teach her how to be an independent adult, and listen when she speaks her truth. Once I realized that; we are as close than ever!!!
I have grown up a whole lot when it deals with my attitude and personality. I look back at how I used to be in my twenties and thirties and say to myself in my Florida Evan’s voice, “Damn, damn, damn!!!!” I had so much anger inside of me that I held it in. I wasn’t happy with myself so I did things for approval. I was my parent’s worst nightmare hahaha!!! I did the total opposite of what was advised. But guess what, I am getting it back with my “mini-me”, my son!! He has the exact personality I had/have. I look and listen to him, and all I can hear in my head is my grandmother telling me when I was twelve years old, “You keep it up; you will get it back three-folds when you have your own children. Watch what I say”. I have treated my son differently than I treated my daughter when she was his age!!! Now I have a mama’s boy who I am now trying to turn him into a daddy’s boy!!! hahaha!!!
But now, I can care less about what people think or say. I love positive energy and laughter!!! Hell, my sense of humor speaks for itself. I have to make someone either laugh or smile at least four times a day!!! Even my own children. My household is literally a nut house!! Laughter is required daily in this household. I don’t care if one of us has a bad day or an attitude!! We are not going to sleep mad in here!! Sometimes I think I can become a comedian at the Funny Bone. I am more at peace and enjoy alone time. I even love going out by myself; it’s a breath of fresh air to me. Whether it’s at the local winery (who am I kidding, the local bar) or abroad!! I will just do it!! My girlfriends get on me frequently because I will be somewhere and tell them to meet me and the next thing you know … I AM OUT!!! In bed, I go!!! hahaha!!! I would leave them and go home (because they usually take too damn long to come). I am not built like I used to be.
Lastly, I can admit to others when I am wrong. I could not do that twenty or even ten years ago. I have no problem telling someone, “my bad”, “you’re right”, “I apologize”, or “I humbly ask for forgiveness”. I wasn’t always right. I also caused some of my own problems just because I was too stubborn to admit when I was wrong. When I realized that it doesn’t kill you to recognize your mistakes or when you have done something wrong; I began to sit in it and own it. After I made peace with it; I moved on. I know that I will not always get it right at times and it’s ok. If I have hurt you in 2018-2019, I ask for your humblest forgiveness. I am still a work in progress.