I remember when I decided to be honest with myself and to others about what was really going on with me a couple of years ago. And God knows I am so happy that I made it thru the storm!!! I recall being in darkness and fear and not able to comprehend what my worth was. I realized that I fell short when it came to loving me enough not to allow someone to beat me down mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I just knew I would never make it out of that dark period. But I did. No more ass whooping, beatings, strangulation, or fighting someone off of me because they couldn’t control their narcissistic anger and own insecurities. No more believing all the texts and emails that you would get better and God is healing you. No more wasted time or energy trying to be the better person by shutting up and keeping the abuse secret. I just want to thank you!!!
It feels great to be able to finally come out and face people now even after the false allegations led on by my ex-narcissist that I was actually the crazy one who made up all this abuse bullshit. I guess I blacked my own eyes, bit my own lips, and bruised my own body just to get him locked up. I thank you for all of this because without you; there wouldn’t be any stories to tell or blogs to write!!! I thank you because I would not be the stronger and wiser woman I have become today. I would not understand that I actually have the power to control who I allow entering my spiritual space. Because of you, it forced me to seek guidance and wisdom from others that I would not otherwise seek it from. I want to say thank you for giving me tougher skin and the will to be an advocate for others that need an ear when others won’t listen. I want to thank you for showing me that shit can happen to even the best of us including myself. I want to thank you for showing me that my ass ain’t no different from any other woman out there that deals with abuse.
You see, I cleaned up my act because of you. Just like the Camry, you had trashed once before; I cleaned up some of the mess left behind. It’s not spotless, but it’s clean. I appreciate this hard lesson. It brought me to a brighter place. Some women don’t make it out alive. I am now the Empress that I should have been long ago. I no longer feed off of words but actions of a man. I respect myself enough to listen to my mind and follow my instincts. I am not afraid of you or any man anymore. Because of you, I stay strapped hahaha!!! I am at a higher peace in my life and I KNOW THE TRUTH… MY TRUTH!!!
The truth is:
- that I was spared to live another day for my kids that love me unconditionally
- I was saved from becoming someone I am not
- I’ve learned that love doesn’t hurt no matter what people say
- I’ve learned to speak openly and honestly to others no matter what it may cost me at the end
- I probably would still be with you dealing with the same bullshit your other victims dealt with
- I would have never learned what a narcissist is without this life lesson
- I would not be this profound and bold to stand up for women protecting themselves from abuse
- I would not be able to comprehend what love is…..
Love doesn’t hurt. A matter of fact I don’t agree with what many define it as. Just because love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep affection”, many use this as a reason or an excuse to hurt you. Some even believe their pain is love, but it isn’t. Instead, love is:
- an act of strong and infinite affection for someone.
- the best YOU when you are with that person.
- when you try your most damn to keep the ones you love happy
- when your needs are after his/hers
- when you want to keep smiles on his/her faces
- some tough love sometimes
- holding each other accountable for respecting boundaries
- a few disagreements and make-up sessions
- hurting when he/she is hurting
- PEACE OF MIND when you are with him/her
October is domestic violence awareness month. If you or anyone you know are going thru abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Always keep pictures, emails, text messages, and any other evidence of abuse and/or stalking just in case it is needed for court. Understand that just because you never reported it before; doesn’t mean that you can’t keep a record of the incidents. You may back out of pressing charges a thousand times, but know that you will always have proof of your abuse when necessary. You may never know when this can save your life or speak for you when you are dead. Tell someone who you trust and also give them copies of any evidence so they can keep it in a safe place. Remember you will never heal completely from being abused, but you are able to become a stronger and wiser person from it. You will always have triggers and setbacks, but you will make it thru. Take it one day, month, and a year at a time. Just remember, love doesn’t hurt.
Break the silence; for domestic violence.