Transparency is a requirement for me. I don’t want to be fooled or lied to for any reason. I have been thru that enough in my lifetime. I prefer to have the truth in front of me even if it may cause me pain or unhappiness. It sounds far fetched but in order for me to build a trusting relationship with anyone, I have to feel comfortable with you. I have to feel that I am safe to be myself with you. I have to feel a sense of peace. This wasn’t always the case with me. You see when you become so broken and live daily with the consequences of constantly loving the wrong people, your heart grows cold and uneasy. You question your decisions a little more and choose to enjoy the moments instead of putting your feelings into something that may not be for you. That’s why I prefer someone to be an open book with me as I am with them. That way I know how to interact with you. If you aren’t open and honest with me; then I act accordingly. I refuse to give you all of me for nothing.
I am scared to trust people because doing so the last time almost got me killed. If I make one bad decision in giving someone the benefit of the doubt and he/she wasn’t upfront or honest with me for any reason, I will beat myself up because I should have been a little more careful this time. I should have learned from my previous lessons in life. I don’t want love and trust to be associated with pain. I don’t want to be so cautious with people that I lose sight of what friendships, acquaintances, and relationships are supposed to represent. But I am. I expect anyone that calls me their friend to be upfront and open with me no matter what. The smallest lie or deceitful act can ruin it for me altogether. Sometimes I wish people who interact with me knew that I am truly open-minded and can take whatever it is you throw at me when you are honest and transparent. Trust and believe me when I tell you that I have seen and/or been thru it all. My true friends can vouch for the fact that their secrets and/or private discussions are safe with me. But I am afraid that I may not get that in return because of the previous betrayal of people who claimed to love me.
I don’t want to be the woman who lost herself along the way or become so numb because I refuse to put my heart out there for someone who may not reciprocate his love for me wholeheartedly, but I am. I still battle the thought that I am not good enough for a good man. I still battle with the notion that I deserve so much more than what I am used to. I definitely yearn for someone who I am spiritually connected with and can be equally in tune with his feelings without holding back because he is scared. I want to be able to share my stories and life with people who aren’t afraid of me being an open book and vice versa. I want to be able to embrace clarity and knowing where I stand with people. I want to have a clear picture of what it is you want from me when you enter into my life. I want to know your true intentions from the start so I can decide if I want to take a gamble at it.
All in all, in order for anyone to truly be happy and at peace; you must be transparent and honest in order to build the foundation of trust. I won’t settle for less than that. And you should require that also.